


Nanase Craft and the Temple of Fanservice

by Laparoscopic



Category: El Goonish Shive
Genre: AU, EGS Flash Fiction Week 2019, F/F, Lara Croft parody, fluff and nonsense
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-05
Updated: 2019-09-05
Packaged: 2020-10-10 16:35:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,227
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20531123
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Laparoscopic/pseuds/Laparoscopic
Summary: Not nearly as Explicit as you might expect from the title. (Sorry.)Part of the 2019 EGS Flash Fics Week series. This episode based on theNanase CraftEGS newspaper comics.Thanks to Zee McZed for organizing this wonderful silliness!





	Nanase Craft and the Temple of Fanservice

Nanase Craft, archaeologist-for-hire and supernatural adventurer extraordinaire, was world-renowned for two sterling attributes.

(No, not those two attributes. Get your mind out of the gutter.)

(Though it _is_ impressive that you managed to make something salacious out of her Scrabble-playing abilities and her award-winning blue roses.)

She was known for getting the job done, and she was also known for getting well paid for doing said jobs. A skill set which _usually_ meant adding another zero to the end of her bank account balance after every adventure. But, on occasion, the form of remuneration she received was much more than just cold hard cash, something more intangible.

This was one of those adventures.

* * *

Sarah Factotum, Nananse Craft’s Plucky Sidekick™ and also lover, shrieked as the giant rolling boulder slammed into the doorframe behind them, effectively sealing them into the small temple chamber.

“Remind me…to work on…my aerobic capacity…when we get out of here,” she panted, bent over almost double with her hands on her knees.

“Stand up straight and put your hands behind your neck,” said Nanase Craft, archaeologist-for-hire and etcetera. “It’ll make breathing easier.”

Sarah did as instructed, and was surprised to find that Nanase was right. Nanase smiled at her, and Sarah blushed. “The fact that this position also pushes my breasts out while I’m panting—”

“Is simply coincidence. Lovely, fortuitous coincidence, but coincidence nonetheless.” She smiled at Sarah’s blush a moment longer, enjoying the view of her heaving chest, then she turned to examine their situation.

They were in a ten-by-ten chamber with no doors but the one by which they’d entered, now thoroughly blocked. There was a pedestal in the middle of the chamber, with a book on top of it. Nanase approached it and peered at the cover.

“Just a minute,” Sarah panted, pulling off her backpack. “I’ve got a ‘detect magic’ ring in here somewhere.”

“Okay,” said Nanase, as she picked up the book.

“Nanase! You’re supposed to let me check for traps before doing something like that!”

Nanase shrugged. “I just checked for traps. I picked up the book, nothing happened.”

Sarah glared. “Why won’t you let me do my job?”

Nanase glanced back at Sarah, and smiled. “I’ve been doing this for years, sweetie. You get a sixth sense for this kind of thing. This is our guidebook, not a trap.”

“And how do you know that?”

Nanase pointed to the title on the book cover. Sarah glowered back at her. “You know my Sumerian is horrible. What does it say?” She frowned, trying to sound out the title. “_Yahrey…sumach_?”

“_Yuri Sutra_,” Nanase corrected.

Sarah stared at the book, offended. “That doesn’t even make _sense_. _Yuri_ is a Japanese word, _Sutra_ is a Sanskrit word, and neither word existed in ancient Sumeria.”

“Maybe they’re just coincidental homophones,” suggested Nanase, as she flipped open the book. The heavily illustrated book. She stopped, and they both stared at the female figures portrayed within.

“Or…maybe not,” Nanase amended faintly.

“Oh, my,” said Sarah, sounding fascinated, even as her face turned pinker and pinker. Without thinking, she pulled the book from Nanase’s hands, and began slowly turning pages. “I’ve never…_we’ve_ never…wow, I’d never considered…yikes! Only if one of us was double-jointed…_with a watermelon??”_

As Sarah froze, staring at the improbable (yet somehow oddly compelling) image in front of her, Nanase plucked the book back out of her hands, and flipped to the first page. The only page that was predominantly text, aside from a lovely illustration of a yoni being used as an initial capital letter.

“Okay, let’s see… ‘Interpid adventurers,’ yada yada yada… ‘ancient sacred female energy’… patriarchy, matriarchy, come on, skip the politics and get to the point… ‘the feminine divine’… Ah! Here we go.”

Sarah shook her head hard, like she was forcing a reboot to her brain, and asked, “What’s that?”

“This…is almost too easy,” Nanase said with a frown.

“You say that like it’s a bad thing. Easy is nice. Easy is easy.”

“Yeah, but it’s not very _adventurous_.”

“I dunno, if it’s related to the illustrations in that book…”

“Oh. Yeah, you may be right.”

“So what’s the scoop?”

Nanase shrugged. “In every chamber, there will be one to three potential exits, marked by numbers. We just have to look at the page corresponding to the number to unlock a particular exit.”

“_Just_ look at?” asked Sarah skeptically.

“Well, no, I meant, look at it for instructions on what to do.”

“For what to do,” Sarah said flatly, staring at Nanase. “Did you _see_ some of those illustrations?”

“Well, it’s a good thing you’re my lover now, and not just my employee any more,” said Nanase cheerfully. “Otherwise, the sexual harassment lawsuits afterwards would have taken _forever_.”

“Did you pack a watermelon?” asked Sarah.

“Nope. But if we need one, I suspect it’ll be magically provided.”

Sarah glared up at the ceiling, slowly spinning around to look in every corner.

“What are you looking for?” asked Nanase.

“The hidden cameras. Is this going to be appearing on the internet next week?”

“I don’t think so. Ancient practitioners of sex magic didn’t tend to think that way, thank heavens.”

“Hrmph. I hope you’re right.”

“Well, if I’m wrong, at least we’ll have a record of our adventure,” said Nanase cheerfully.

Sarah stared at her, dumbfounded. “Seriously?”

Nanase shrugged. “Hey, after you’ve see a few hundred ‘rule 34’ images of yourself, you get kinda blasé about these sorts of things.”

“Well, there aren’t hundreds of naked images of _me_ on the internet!”

Nanase arched an eyebrow at that, and Sarah paled. “Really?” she squeaked.

Nanase smiled and patted Sarah on the head. “Never mind, dear. Just avoid 4chan, and you should be fine.”

Sarah snorted. “That’s just a general rule for life.”

“True.”

Sarah sighed, and looked around the room. There were no obvious doorways, but one wall had a character that looked like a “Y” with a bar on top. “That wall just has a Sumerian number one on it,” she pointed out.

“Right,” said Nanase, turning the page in the book. “‘Let’s start at the very beginning, a very good place to start…’” she sang softly under her breath.

“_The Sound of Music?_ Really? I think we’re about to get as un-wholesome as you can possibly get.”

Nanase looked up at Sarah and smiled. “Wholesomeness is all in the attitude. And besides, page one just starts with a kiss.” She held up the book, showing an illustration of two women kissing. Fairly chastely, at that.

“Huh. Well, if every room has multiple options, maybe we can get through this with a minimum of embarrassment. Just gotta choose the simplest options.”

“But that may be the trap. We may have to get more…_adventuresome_…to get to the prize.”

Sarah sighed. “Yeah, I’d already figured it had to be something like that.”

“So, come on, sweetie, pucker up,” said Nanase with a smile.

Sarah wrapped her arms around her lover and shook her head with a smile. “Just when I think adventuring with you is in danger of getting to be routine…”

Nanase chuckled, then leaned in and gave her a kiss. It was brief, but thorough, and they both sighed happily as they broke apart. As one, they turned their heads to look at the wall with the number one on it. The wall had vanished, and a corridor appeared in its place.

“See? That wasn’t so awful, was it?” teased Nanase.

“You _know_ it wasn’t,” said Sarah, as they headed toward the corridor. “But if we ever get to page 227, _I’m_ holding the watermelon.”

“Fair enough.”

* * *

“I think the temple is starting us off with the easy ones,” said Sarah, as they looked at their options. They were all variations on what an American teen might label “second base.”

“Mmmm. Not so much _easy_ as, ah, foreplay. Easing us into it, as it were.”

“Oh. True. I wouldn’t want to skip right to page forty without a little warmup first.”

“Let alone page 126.”

“What’s on page—oh, _no_ you don’t, I don’t care _how_ much warmup we get first!”

“Hmm. Well, maybe.”

Sarah stared at her love. “Seriously?”

Nanase gave an embarrassed little smile. “Well, I’ve only tried it once before, but…it wasn’t unpleasant.”

Sarah felt herself flushing, and it wasn’t solely from embarrassment. “Well. I’m learning all _sorts_ of new things about you, Ms. Craft.” Her smile broadened. “I like it.”

* * *

“Ummm, yeah…” Nanase purred, sliding lower on Sarah’s body.

“Hey, Nanase?”

“Hmm?” Nanase didn’t seem to be interested in verbal communication at the moment.

“Nanase!” Sarah repeated. Nanase lifted her head and looked up at her. Sarah forgot what she had been going to say, momentarily lost in Nanase’s eyes, with her swollen red lips and flushed cheeks. Then she shook her head and pointed at the newly appeared corridor. “We’re done with this one. The door opened.”

“Oh.” Nanase looked disappointed for a moment, then sat up with a sigh. “I didn’t even have to get undressed this time.”

“Apparently not necessary, this round,” said Sarah, as she pulled her shirt back on. Nanase pouted as she covered up her breasts, which made Sarah feel warm inside. Not just with lust, but knowing that her lover truly appreciated her body, and wanted her. “Come on, love, let’s see what’s next.”

* * *

“Wait, my left hand goes _where?”_

“You heard me—look at the book.”

“Sheesh. You wanna swap positions?”

“Not on your life. Okay, move your foot over to the left—no, the other left—“

“No, you’re looking at the book upside down, it needs to be—“

“Oh, right, sorry, okay, so position your head—_oops!_ Sorry!”

“It’s all right, it’s all right, just…let’s get this one over with.”

* * *

Sarah looked at the book, then turned it upside down see if it made more sense from another angle.

Nanase shook her head. “I think this might have been the ancient precursor to twister.”

“Remember when you were gecko’d and said you’d teach me how to play twister?”

“Sorry, we never seemed to have the time for that did we?”

“When we get out of here, we’re inviting Diane and Rhoda and Lucy and Circe over for a twister party.”

Nanase laughed. “Now, _that_ would be a party full of ‘female energy.’”

Sarah smiled. “Oh, yeah. We’re _definitely_ doing that when we get home.”

“But in the meantime…”

“Yeah.” Sarah looked at the book one more time. “We’ve got chiropractic covered under our insurance, right?”

* * *

Sarah groaned, and stared up at the huge figure of Nanase towering above her. “Once, just _once_, it’d be nice if we could get through an adventure without being transformed in some way.”

“I thought transformation was your fetish?”

“When _I’m_ in control of it.”

“Hey, at least this time your clothes and backpack got shrunk along with you,” Nanase consoled. “Look in the book and see what we’re up against here. There’s only one option, page 327.”

“Right.” Sarah pulled the book out of her backpack, and flipped to the proper page. “Oh. Oh _my! _Just when I think I’ve seen it all…”

“So, what’s the story,” asked Nanase, leaning over to peer at the (to her) minuscule book.

Sarah handed her the book and began peeling off her clothes—yet again—and said, “Well, _you’ll_ only have to take off your pants for this one.”

Nanase gingerly held the little book pinched between two fingers and squinted at the tiny illustration. As she worked out what she was looking at, her eyes went wide. For a change, it was _her_ turn to blush. “Ah. Yes. I see.”

“It’s a good thing I packed a snorkel.”

* * *

Sarah took a few ginger steps down the next hallway that had just appeared, and winced. “I never dreamed that _chafing_ would be such a big risk on an archaeological adventure.”

Nanase blushed. “Sorry. It’s been a few days since I’ve had the time to shave…”

* * *

“Nope. Nope. I don’t care if that’s the best possible route for us to take, I am _not_ doing that.”

Sarah sighed. “Time to backtrack, then.”

“Hey, that last room wasn’t so bad.”

Sarah smiled. “No, but I don’t know if we have the time to do everything twice.”

“Time, or energy.”

“True. Speaking of which, hand me the canteen. I’m feeling a little dehydrated.”

“Awww, has someone been stealing your precious bodily fluids?” Nanase teased.

“Hey, you can’t steal what I willingly give away.” Sarah paused, then grimaced. “Sorry, that sounded _much_ sexier in my head.”

Nanase laughed as she handed her the canteen. “Cheers.”

* * *

Sarah stared at the object on the pedestal in the center of the room, then back at the page in the book.

“At least it’s not a watermelon,” offered Nanase consolingly.

“Yeah…you wanna flip a coin for who gets what position?”

Nanase grinned and rubbed her hands together. “Nah. I’ll take one for the team this time.” Something in her eyes made her look eager.

“Bless you.”

* * *

Sarah sighed. “Do I even have to look at the book to know what’s on page sixty-nine?”

“Probably not, but let’s be thorough…”

“Oh, you’ve been _very_ thorough so far,” murmured Sarah.

Nanase just smirked, then looked in the book. “Yup, no surprises here,” she confirmed.

Sarah gave a sigh of relief. “A pleasant change of pace from the contortionist options. Come here, you.”

* * *

Nanase stared up at Sarah, towering over her. “Well, I guess turn-about is fair play.”

Sarah sat down on the floor next to her, being careful to not crush her tiny lover. “At least it’s not page 327 this time. In fact…” Sarah flipped through the pages of the book, then propped it on the floor beside Nanase, so she could see the illustration.

Nanase craned her neck to look up at the billboard-sized pages. “Huh. Well, _that’s_ not so bad,” she said. “Did we remember to pack the climbing gear?”

“You are _not_ spiking a piton into my boobs!”

“Proportionally, it’s probably thinner than an acupuncture needle. You might not even feel it.”

“I don’t care. You’re going to have to free-climb it. I’ll keep a hand under you to catch you if you fall.”

Nanase grinned up at Sarah, hoping her expression was visible at this scale. “Oh, I fell for you long ago.”

Sarah blushed. “You are _so_ corny.”

“And you love it.”

“Yup. And you.”

“You too.” Nanase took a deep breath, then, out of habit, despite the lack of ropes, she called out, “On belay!”

* * *

Sarah sighed. “Why did it feel inevitable that we’d eventually end up at a room with 126 as our only option?”

“Oh, come on, this’ll be fun.”

“Really?”

“Really.”

“Okay. I just wish we had some lube with us.”

“Hah. Don’t worry, sweetie, you’ve gotten me _plenty_ wet.”

* * *

Sarah had thought that by now she’d be beyond blushing, but, once again, the _Yuri Sutra_ proved equal to the challenge. “That’s just…I mean, I _love_ the way you taste, but—”

“Do you want the snorkel again?”

Sarah snorted. “Don’t think it would work in this position.”

“True. But if you brace your left leg over here, while I—”

“Right, right, that’s—_oh!”_ Sarah’s eyes went wide.

Nanase chuckled wickedly. “Ah, I think we found the right spot.”

* * *

Sarah stared tiredly at page seventy-eight. “Y’know, I never dreamed I’d ever say this, but…”

Nanase sighed. “Yeah.”

“…I think I’ve had enough orgasms for the day. If not the whole week.”

“Indeed.” She took a deep breath, then smiled at Sarah. “But we’re almost done. Just a little farther. I can feel it.”

“You can? How?”

“I…just can. Trust me. It’s a feeling in my bones.”

“I’d trust a feeling in your pussy more, at the moment. You’re lying just to make me feel better, aren’t you?”

“…Maybe?”

Sarah smiled, and pulled Nanase close for a brief kiss. “Come on, lover. If I’m going to die of a sex o.d., I can’t think of anyone better to go out with.”

“You say the sweetest things.”

Sarah chuckled. “You _are_ the sweetest thing. Now, let’s see, it looks like we’re striving for some symmetry in this one…”

* * *

“Ms. Diane?” came the voice over the intercom. “Nanase Craft and her sidekick are back.”

“Thank you, Lucy. Just give us a moment to squee, then send them in.”

Lucy sighed. “Yes, ma’am.”

Diane clicked off the intercom, then she and Rhoda looked at each other. “Nanase Craft! _Squeeeee!”_

“And Sarah. Don’t forget Sarah,” said Sarah, walking into the office. Sort of walking. Waddling, maybe.

Diane blushed. “Lucy, I thought I asked you—”

“Hey, it’s not her fault, we just barged in,” said Nanase with a tired grin. In fact, both Nanase and her sidekick looked exhausted. Happy, but exhausted. They lowered themselves slowly into the guest chairs, wincing slightly as they sat.

“Did you get it?” demanded Diane.

“But of course,” said Nanase, holding up a backpack. She unzipped it, then pulled out a jade box, about a foot long in each dimension. She set it gently on the desk in front of Diane. “There you go. That’ll be ten million dollars, please.”

Diane grabbed the box and pulled it to her, She tried to open it, but the lid didn’t budge. “It’s locked.”

“I know.”

Diane looked at the front of the box. “The, uh, the keyhole is shaped like…” Rhoda peeked over her shoulder, and blushed hard enough to be visible, even with her dark complexion.

“The term we use in the archaeological field is ‘yoni,’” supplied Sarah with a smile.

“So, where’s the key?” asked Diane.

“And what _shape_ is the key?” murmured Rhoda.

“Beats me,” said Nanase easily. “You asked me to bring you the box. I brought you the box. There weren’t any keys nearby; we would have brought them to you if there were.”

Diane scowled. “I suppose I could just smash it…”

Sarah flinched a little. “Given the level of magical energy that that little box contains, I wouldn’t recommend it. It might explode. Or worse.”

“Well…crap.” Diane stared at the box in frustration.

Nanase stood up. “My fee?”

Rhoda laid a hand on Diane’s shoulder, and she tore her attention away from the box. “Yes, yes, I suppose you fulfilled the letter of the contract. Transfer the money, Rhoda.”

“Yes, Diane.”

“Thank you, Diane. A pleasure doing business with you, as always.”

They left Diane, staring at her jade treasure box.

As Sarah and Nanase got back into their car, Sarah asked, “How long do you think it will take her to realize what being from a temple dedicated to ‘female energy’ means for unlocking the box?”

Nanase laughed. “I don’t think I would have figured out how to open the box were it not for you.”

“Well, it just seemed obvious, once I thought about it.”

“If your mind works a certain way, sure.”

“Well, everything that lead up to it kinda made sure my mind _was_ working that way.”

“Still, I suppose it’ll be a while before she tries licking the keyhole…” Nanase chuckled.

“I just hope she isn’t too pissed off to find a modern Twister game inside.”

“Come on, sweetie, let’s go home. We still haven’t tried page forty yet.”

"All right. But _no watermelons!"_


End file.
